Archive for August, 2011

Secret Blogging: Handshakes

Wednesday, August 31st, 2011

Secret Blogging k here are the rules: I wrote this blog post at work quietly as a secret and then emailed it to myself to post later and now it is later. Ok here it is:

My ballroom dancing trainer and I made up a handshake. This is not a joke. It is a lot of steps and took a lot of practice. We practiced at the end of my workout yesterday in front of the treadmill catwalk and nobody applauded so we went to the front desk and asked Reggie to record it on an internet phone so we can put it on the internet and get famous. I watched it back and it gave me mild second-hand embarrassment but I asked my trainer to send it to me anyway because there is a part where we do a foot clap thing which sounds kind of wrong but it’s like a jive dance move and this is good because this means we are practicing for our auditions for the nationally televised hit program “So you think you can dance with your gym trainer.” YES!

In other news, I am making a list of big ticket birthday presents that I would like to buy myself over the next 5 years want to see the list? ok!
1. A new apartment
2. A new bike to ride on long roads in neon spandex situations
3. A new bike to ride on short roads in professional fancy slacks and skirt suits
4. A several ballroom dancing lessons

This are not in order. I think #2 is going to come first then #3 then maybe #1 and #4 will happen at the same time when I win wealthy and well-coordinated husbands. Dream big. What’s that saying? Shoot for the moon and if you miss you’ll fall among the asteroids?


my boss: Alice, have a minute?
acsweet: Sure boss.

walks to boss’s office

my boss: how’s everything going? busy this week?
acsweet: fine thanks yes.
my boss: great. we want to make you an offer. want to work here with a pay raise and health insurance?
acsweet: oh snap! yes!
my boss: great we’ll give you the details when the big boss gets back in 2 weeks.

Who needs wealthy and well-coordinated husbands when you are employed with health insurance and can buy houses and personal tap dancing training sessions all by your employed and moneyed self??? winawinawinawinawina

secret blogging series birthday special

Friday, August 26th, 2011

Secret Bloggin. I forgot to type the “g” but Imma leave it out. ok here are the rules: I wrote this blog post at work quietly as a secret and then emailed it to myself to post later and now it is later. Ok here it is:

guys. october 1 is in like two days. that’s not true. it’s in like 36 days but it always happens sooner than I think it’s going to happen and then suddenly it’s here and i’m like oh god. If I get hired at my job then I will be spending half of my birthday at the company-wide retreat in Sacramento. What else could I ask for? I thought of two things. Here is a list of birthday presents that I would like to have:
1. boxing gloves
2. wait no right now just one let me think about it

In other news: I’m going to Portland, OR this weekend with Lydia, Dana, and Kaitlin. We are going wedding dress shopping and by we I mean Kaitlin and Lydia are shopping for wedding dresses and Dana and I are spectators but I guess also kind of participants because they will walk out in wedding dresses and we will probably cry and that is kind of participating? Going to Portland, OR for the weekend means taking an airplane tube. The good news is it’s only a 9 minute drive from my office to the San Jose International Airplane station which means plenty of time for airplane station marteenees.

UPDATE: the airplane station marteenees in san jose are ENORMOUS. I think the TGIFridays waiter likes me. My glass is like the super size. flying should be easy.

Oh dear

Tuesday, August 23rd, 2011

I think the HoBaB broke. Where’s my sidebar at?

In other news: commuting to san Jose is exhausting. I might start my own tranny solo happy hours on the train ride home. Is that how to win husbands? Oh this? Just a mixed use development trip generation analysis on my work pc nbd I’m employed. Oh, And this? A bottle of whiskey. Wansome?

Sounds like a recipe for diamonds.

Drunk Therapy

Saturday, August 20th, 2011

I’m hungover. I know. I called my mom the first thing this morning and said, I’m hungover and both she and SarahSweeter said, Yaaaaay. The bad news is I had a headdoctor appointment AND a boxing appointment (same thing?) first thing this morning. Drunk therapy is like regular therapy except with more pauses. I kept losing my train of thought and my headdoctor would be like, How are you feeling? And I’d be like, Who? And he’d be like, What? And I’d be like, Yes? Very productive. Then I went to drunk sidewalk boxing which is basically like regular boxing except like at a bar after you’ve had just a several drinks. At one point I was like, oh god hold on give me a second gotta sit down and my tap-dancing trainer was like please don’t throw up on the gloves. And then he may or may not have asked me to go see a movie and I was like, are you asking me out and he was like just to go see this movie and then I said I’d rather go dancing and he was like maybe and then I decided that if my tap-dancing trainer asks me to go dancing there is about a 26% chance I would definitely not say no. Isn’t this exciting? Stay tuned!

Grumpy Bikes

Wednesday, August 17th, 2011

I don’t know what happened but maybe at 6:45pm my mood went from “fa la la la la la” to fml. Those are code words for I’m happy to I’m cranky. I had a boxing session with my tap-dancing trainer tonight at 7:30pm and as soon as I walked in he said, What’s wrong? And I told him I felt pouty and he said what do you want to do and I said PUNCH IT OUT and then he gave me a fist pump in the air. Apparently my trainer thought my grumpies was contangious or he thought I might punch out another gym member so he said, Let’s take this outside and I said is that allowed? And he said not always because there’s more liability and I said because I’ll punch the cars? Then we went outside and I punched him for an hour. People were walking by on the sidewalk and I kid you not they stopped. There was a crowd. Except the crowd only came one at a time and then left when I looked them in the eye, hit my chest with my gloves and said WHAT? My tap-dancing trainer was proud. I felt great. Tomorrow I will have trouble lifting a pen.

Then I went to Blood Bath and Beyond and bought a step stool to use as a foot rest at work because apparently sitting for 8 hours a day means lower back pain 4 life. Maybe I should get my own boxing gloves? Birthday present?

Ok now for the bad news. I don’t really know how to say this. Ok. Ugh. Ok. I think I may get a new bike. I KNOW. I know. The Mercedes what about the mercedes ok here’s how it is. You know when you’re 32 and you live in the  80’s and you’re like I’m single and MADE of money and drive a porsche probably an old one without airbags? And then suddenly you marry and then you have kids and the kids don’t fit in the backseat and also people give you mean eyes when they realize you drive your kids around without air bags? And so you get a volvo station-wagon? But like the cross country kind in case you need to drive over gravel? That’s what it’s like. Except instead of carrying babies I need to carry my yoga mat baggus and my grownup purse with my professional work amenities and also I need to be able to bike in my fancy slacks and right now the Mercedes sometimes eats my pants when I bike. So. Ok. I don’t know. It’s hard. I will keep the Mercedes for joy rides when the kids are at camp but I think for everyday practicality it makes sense to go with something with upright handle bars and probably a step-through frame and maybe panniers. I am basically one step away from buying a Honda Accord.


Tuesday, August 16th, 2011

crap ok. i don’t have enough time for the internet. i have like an hour of internet time at home which I spend mostly reading but not responding to emails because I’m anxious and then like 5 minutes at work after I have already spent an hour outside trying to warm up in San Jose. Ok I wrote some secret blogs at work during five minutes last week here it is:

The ceo of our company came to our office on Thursday to give a presentation. I found him waiting outside our locked office doors at 8:15am. I was listening to a HILARIOUS podcast and walked out of the elevator skipping with an open-mouthed smile only to turn and find him leaning up against the wall locked out. At first I thought oh no, but then I thought, oh yes: Maybe he sees me and thinks: That Alex – always early and grinning.

In other news, my roommate married his Swedish fiancé on Thursday too. They’re went to city hall then we had a celebratory dinner. She showed me the shoes she bought for the ceremony. They are silver with some sort of bedazzled sparkle design and they are super spicy for city hall. I wish I could have taken off work to attend and take photos. Instead I took photos at dinner which means I got both bride and foot plate shots which are basically the two things I think about all the time every day. Then the Swedish bride is going back to Sweden where she will pack up her house, her belongings, and her horse (neigh) and bring it all back to San Francisco. The other night I was getting ready for a date and I said I need some getting ready for a date music and I only have two types of music on my computer: Girl Talk and Philip Glass and she said no no no, here. And she put on some EuroPop and I decided we should be best friends. So far San Francisco is kind of like sleep away camp. But like an over-extended 8 week session. Like we went to camp and our parents forgot to cancel and we’re still here and then I think, This is fun yes ok but I wonder when I get to go home?

The good news is Ma Sweet came to visit this past weekend. I took photos but I am not in any of them so I made an album called Ma Sweet Goes to San Francisco. It’s like a children’s book except without a story. Ok no here’s the story. Ma Sweet goes to San Francisco. Ma Sweet likes San Francisco. They put houseplants outside! See Ma Sweet sit with the outside houseplants.

Ma Sweet at the Dolores Inn

What else does Ma Sweet like to do? Ma Sweet likes to go shopping for oil cloth samples for her new home in Sweechigan. Ma Sweet likes oil cloths so much she will go to her very own oil cloth store and spend hours all day a lot of time looking at oil cloth prints. Can you find Ma Sweet in the oil cloth store?

Oil Cloth Shopping

After buying oil cloths and shipping them to Sweechigan Ma Sweet counts her monies and says Yes, now I will stop buying oil cloths and I will buy some shoes. Here is Ma Sweet with the monies.

Ma Sweet at brunch

And here is Ma Sweet with the shoes.

Ma Sweet bought us some shoesies

Ma Sweet had a fun time in the San Francisco. And the most fun of all was eating steaks. Goodbye San Francisco. See you next year!

Ma Sweet at dinner

Secret Blogging

Tuesday, August 9th, 2011

Secret office blogging series ok here are the rules: I wrote this blog post at work quietly as a secret and then emailed it to myself to post later and now it is later. Ok here it is:

Doing hawaiian traffic excel tables at 3:30pm in the afternoon reminds me of french class sophomore year of high school which was held every single day after lunch and where i fell asleep every single day after lunch and I can remember thinking, this formula isn’t working why is every single day the same it isn’t working can we at least change this up so I don’t fall asleep in french class and I can remember biting my tongue so hard that it would keep me awake and when that didn’t work I tried to flirt with a junior named Rob but biting my tongue with sleepy eyelids I think is the opposite of what one might hope is a “come hither” look and nothing ever materialized between us. I took a break from my excel to go to starbucks and then i came back and found GFX friend and the office manager standing with their hands on their hips staring at the ground in the cubicle next to mine and so I walked over and saw that they were staring at carpet swatches for our new office. One swatch was green, the next was 10% darker green, and the next 20% darker green. Which one? They asked. Are you kidding? I’m crosseyed right now. But I stood there and stared with them and told them I liked the darkest swatch because I am dark (emotionally?) and they looked at me and it is 80 degrees and sunny out and I am wearing all black except for my grey hair and then I said, if you take photos of the office and then of the swatches I can photoshop some before and after photos for you and they gave me a thumbs up and walked away.

Here’s a fun fact: Tonight I was supposed to have dinner with my long-lost high school friend who now lives in SF but she had to raincheck and I was secretly happy because I really need to iron. Is this how grown ups feel when plans fall through? Sorry about the BBQ/pool-party/camping trip Bob I’m all tied up at work. No problem Bill I needed to burn the grease off my grill tonight anyway. That sounds like a euphemism.

Ok here are three things to look forward to chronological order:

  1. Tomorrow’s lunchtime presentation on bicycle planning
  2. Thursdays state-of-the-company presentation
  3. Ma Sweet’s arrival on Friday

Jab-Jab-Twist (my new favorite drink?)

Tuesday, August 9th, 2011

Today was the most boring day of all days at the Transportation Planning Factory. Know why? Because the island of Hawaii keeps track of every car that turns in every lane on every road and guess who was tasked with building the excel tables? I listened to a lot of Nina Simone Pandora stations building those tables and at one point did a few laps around the San Jose and then finally got on the train to go back to the San Francisco. The good news is at 8pm I had a training session with my personal ballroom dancing trainer which makes me happy because I basically show up every week waiting for him to tango his way into my heart arms or at least onto national television. So I got there early to run some miles on the treadmillcycle and he was proud and then we did some dumb squats or whatever and then he said, ok, ready? And I said, ready. And then he wrapped my hands in official boxing tape and put on my gloves and I punched him for 30 minutes. 5,6,7,8 and jab-jab-twist…jab-jab-twist-duck. Between punches he made me do situps and I felt like Rocky and he made me do a sit up and then punch his hand and in between sit-up-hand-punches I asked if next time we could do half boxing half ballroom dancing and he said, Which dance? The cha-cha, the foxtrot, the merenge, or the jive? And I said all of them? And then he invited me to a gin blossoms concert in santa cruz. I think I’m in love.

He told me to look mean for the photo but I kept giving him sad-eyes-happy-I-think-I’m-in-love-with-you-face which he found confusing and he was like are you sad? And then I punched him in the gut. I feel great.


Boxing the Foxtrot

Monday, August 8th, 2011

This weekend my ballroom dancing personal trainer taught me how to box. I was doing alternating step-ups when he said, How do feel about boxing? And i said, Yes! That’s perfect for aggression! Yes, he replied, or fitness! So we boxed. Bend your knees, he told me, hold your arms up to protect your face and your ribs. I held boxing gloves up and mirrored his crouched position. Ok, now… pivot, pivot, pivot. Good, he said, then twist your torso when you jab like this. And I started twisting and he started counting… 5, 6, 7, 8 and… twist, twist, twist, twist. And there we were. Doing the twist in boxing gloves. It’s not the fox-trot. But I think it’s a good first step.

In related news I asked him maybe in the same breath if I could A) Split our session into half boxing/half ballroom dancing and B) If I could bring Ma Sweet to our next session on Saturday. His reply: Maybe. Yes.


In other news: Julia came to San Francisco this weekend. Here are some photos. More later.



Thursday, August 4th, 2011

This morning I signed up for a personal trainer. His name is Jan and he is maybe 22 and before he became a personal trainer he was a ballroom dancer. I KNOW! He told me this as I was doing lunges and I started yelling and clapping and then I fell over. This is very exciting. Get skinny and learn the foxtrot? Wut a dream. Then I came home and rearranged furniture with my roommates fiance who just moved here from Sweden to marry my roommate. Her name is my name which can get confusing but we became fast friends and now we do things like clean the fridge and rearrange furniture together. It makes me happy. Then at 1:30pm a man named Vince called and said, Hello this is Vince I am bringing all of your things that you own to your apartment in 30 minutes. I was so excited that I took the IKEA cart that someone stole and left in our yard and waited on the sidewalk. Vince found this confusing. Then I tried to tip them and they refused probably because I did half the work. I unpacked approximately 30% of the boxes and found all the important things like pictures frames, bedding, lamps, pillows. For the past month I have only had one pillow and right now I am leaning up against three pillows and it feels great. This post is boring. I was mostly excited to tell everyone about ballroom dancing personal trainer Jan. The end.