Archive for the ‘Feelings’ Category

Here I am

Monday, August 11th, 2014

Well here I am. A bicycle planner engaged to be married. Maybe I stopped blogging because things started going okay and then things started going pretty well and a blog post titled Today I Wore My Engagement Ring to the Bicycle Factory is not very interesting and probably boring. Am I boring? Is this boring?

I miss HoBaB. It was a constant presence during my rocky quarter-life-crisis. And maybe it was oversharing and not always appropriate but it was my way of relating during the uncertain phases of my life like being an underemployed 25 year old writing 200 word paragraph spam for a part-time real estate agent. It was hard and ridiculous and I had to make it funny because otherwise it would have been sad. And sometimes it was sad. But I could make fun of the sad. Like a self-deprecating angsty adolescent diary. It really was a kind of second adolescence where I was awkward and experimented with new haircuts and androgynous outfits and tried to figure out what I wanted to be (a JSK!). And now here I am. I have clients, a dishwasher, a diamond, and a copper core saute pan. In one week I’ll have a husband.

And even though being alone was not always easy, I made an interesting life for myself in Chicago, Brooklyn, Philadelphia, and San Francisco. And then I met Adam and my singlehood started to merge into a life shared with someone else and my career started to take off and I could afford nice dinners and soon enough I had a routine. And with that things became a little more stable, a little less ridiculous, a little less sad, and a little less blog-able. Is this what it means to be an adult?

The first time Adam was out of town I panicked and then I thought, Wait, I can be alone. I did this for years.

I learned how to eat alone when I lived in Brooklyn and then again in San Francisco in the summer of 2010 when I stood on the sidewalk and interviewed people about their sidewalk feelings. I learned how to sit at the bar. Put my phone away. Stare straight ahead or at the TV. Inevitably the person next to you will comment on something like your food or the TV and you laugh and say I was thinking the same thing, and then you’re friends.

So when Adam was out of town, I went to a pub called Perry’s. I finished two manhattans and my entire cheeseburger and salad and I after unfruitful conversation with a couple of regulars I decided to go home.

When I left the bar I stood at my bike and checked my phone when I heard someone say, How are you supposed to text me when you don’t have my number? Was someone hitting on me? I looked up and two older men got out of a large BMW and smiled at me. Were they a couple? They approached me and the first gentlemen held out his hand and said, I’m Ken and this is Marty how do you do?

Ken was a jeweler and Marty was a lawyer and they both grew up in the Midwest and were single after wrapping up their latest divorces. Marty did my divorce, Ken said, as if it was an interior decorating project. I did my own too, Marty said. I looked impressed.

They were impressed that I was also Jewish and from the Midwest and Marty kept insisting that he’d get in touch with the local Jewish Community Federation. I’m on the board, he kept saying. Then Ken grabbed my hand and gasped, You’re engaged! Yes, I smiled. Is he Jewish? No, I said, but he’s half Chinese. I don’t know why I said that, but they were pleased. Oh good for you honey they said, can we take you to Kokari for a drink? When we walked in Ken escorted me up to the bar where the bartender waved to him and said, Pinot? Yes Ken said and clapped once, then pointed to me and said, This is Alex she’ll have a manhattan, then he circled my face with his hand and told the bartender, Remember this face. I waved.

We grabbed a seat at the bar and Ken pointed to the front of the restaurant and said, If you ever come here sit in the front, don’t sit in the back, that’s for the tourists. Marty nodded in agreement and then clapped his hands as if just remembering something, Do you like rice pudding? Of course, I said. He winked and waved over the bartender. Then another gentleman and lady wearing large baubles sat down at the seat next to us, and the man said, Oh, Hello Ken. Hello George, Ken replied. Ken puffed up his chest, leaned in close to me and said, He’s my main jeweler competition but I made a resolution that I wouldn’t said anything bad about anybody and so I’m going to stand here quietly until he leaves.  The bartender brought us a bowl of rice pudding and three spoons. And there we sat, in a tense silence eating rice pudding while Marty flirted with George’s date. At one point he picked up her hand and kissed the back of it. Ken scoffed. We talked about dating and they kept scanning the restaurant looking for women or maybe other people to recognize. And soon enough Marty clapped again. I need to leave soon, he said. But it’s Friday night, Ken said. Because, Marty said, I have to meet my Marin hiking group in the morning. You have a hiking group? Ken said. Jews don’t hike we’ve hiked enough! Marty shrugged. Ok, Ken said. I’m seeing my grandchildren tomorrow, let’s hit the road.

They walked me back to my bike and I handed Marty my business card because he wanted to connect me with the local Jewish Community Federation. They both kissed my hand and thanked me for a wonderful evening and then stood back and waved as I stooped down to unlock my bike. When I looked up, they were gone.

I don’t know what it means. Maybe they were my fairy Jewish single godparents reminding me what it used to feel like to be alone. Or maybe it was the opportunity to say goodbye to being alone. Like a bachelorette for my alonehood. Or maybe it was a reminder that I can always be alone. That becoming the legal half of a couple doesn’t mean that my single unit is gone forever. That I can still be with myself. Is this what it means to be an adult?

Ma Sweet gave me this look recently that was a combination of concern and sympathy and said, I think it may be time to shut down HoBaB. I gasped. Like, kill it?

I tried to come up with an excuse. I stopped blogging because I made it a rule not to blog at work and now I’m always at work and it’s been three years. Maybe in a couple of years I’ll turn HoBaB into a mommy blog. Or maybe it’ll just remain a capsule of my internet feelings. A place I can go back to and search keyword “diamonds” or “Switchey” and think about when things were hard and kind of weird and I had too many feelings that spilled onto the internet.

CHI>PHI>Texas?

Tuesday, May 31st, 2011

Ok great good. Here I am back in Philadelphia. I took a 6am flight. I woke up at 3:45am without an alarm what is wrong with me and then Ma Sweet got up at 4am and sent me off with a cappuccino. Then I sat in the first row on the planecycle because if I stare at a wall then I can pretend I am on a bus and not on a metal tube falling through the clouds. This also has its drawbacks because in the front row you can hear everything the flight attendants say like: “Um, there’s a mystery bag in the backseat, should we call someone?” or “the water isn’t working in the toilet.”

The good news is I got home just in time this morning to go to the feelings doctor where I talked about things like “my friend kaitlin said sometimes replanting plants can be traumatic on its roots” and “I hate this place” to which the feelings doctor said, I think you are sad about leaving Philadelphia. and then I wept for 45 minutes. Does this make you uncomfortable? Don’t fret! I’m going to Texas! For 8 days. Yeehaw. Today I went to the H and the M and bought sundresses for $12 and I don’t have cowboy boots but I do have a sunhat that I wore to the horse races in Tenneessee once. That counts? Maybe I will find Texas husbands. This seems unlikely. Are there Jews in Texas? Sounds confusing. Mazel-Haw?

In other news: SarahSweeter got herself a boyfriend. More photos here.

Ribs

21 Days

Monday, April 25th, 2011

I’m graduating in 21 days.

I am a mess. Mostly because I don’t know what to do with my feelings. It’s like a blubbery mess of joy, fear, anxiety, and allergies.

In other news: I found the Beach Boys Pandora Station. I hate the beach boys but the rest of the songs make me feel like I’m at a 24 hour bat mitzvah party complete with second-hand embarrassment memories of my mom dancing to La Bamba by Ritchie Valens at Adam Markovitz’s bar mitzvah at the Oak Brook Hilton Hotel. Good times.

I’m going to Park Slope on Saturday to have dinner with my transportation professor who lives around the corner from Peter’s old apartment. This should do wonders for my feelings cocktail. I’ll probably start wandering the streets asking if anyone has seen the FreetZ and why Peter hasn’t brought me a chicken in two years. Can’t wait.

SarahSweeter Comes to Visit

Tuesday, March 22nd, 2011

SarahSweeter came over this weekend. I only took seven photos. Here they are.

On Friday Sarah arrived and she felt sick and I said are you going to throw up and she said maybe and I said ok first pose in front of the skyline kgreat.
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Cousin Rebecca came over and we ate bad eggplant parm pastas and then we went to bed and then Sarah woke up and I said Sarah? And she said, Better! Let’s clean! So we cleaned my room and threw out 3 garbage bags of old clothes, shoes, jackets, and feelings. I feel great.
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Then we went out to dinner so we got dressed up and I wanted to dress like twinsies but Sarah said no so instead we just dressed mostly like twinsies and then we went downstairs and walked ten feet to our left and into Ernesto’s which has fancy flowers in the window and we ate squid. Here we are not really twinsies.
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Then on Monday I had the anxieties and SarahSweeter said s’ok I go shopping and do the cooking and prepare you food for the week. Here is Sarah making peeta cheeps.
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Then it was time to say goodbye and this made me the saddest and I probably didn’t cry but I probably did and then I rode my bike down the hallway to the elevator to go to school. Byeeeeeeeeeeeee
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And then Sarah left me an eating chart because sometimes having a lot of food is confusing. Thank god. I’m the luckiest. Here are leftovers.
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Here is the food eating chart.
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The end.

Valentine’s Day Gchat of the Day

Monday, February 14th, 2011

acsweet: what are you going to do?

anonymous: i’m going to DATE EVERYONE and DRINK EVERYTHING. no. it’s gonna be fine. i’m gonna do laundry and graduate. and get a job.

CNY NYE PSTD

Monday, January 3rd, 2011

Great news it is 2011 isn’t that great? It is the year of the rabbit and also the masters degrees. Isn’t it great? Everything is so great.

Ok this is a lie everything is not great I feel horrible and have a really terrible case of PSTD syndrome. We had New Year’s Eve extravaganza in Ithaca and yesterday we drove home from Ithaca in the Winnebago and then GC BDoyk slept over and we went on the internet and looked at photos of ourselves and then she left this morning and I was like everything is fine, everything is going to be fine, I am fine. And then I was like  NO I AM NOT FINE and then this song came on my internet head phones and then I burst into tears. Friendship departures have rough landings. Here are some dumb friendship photos.

Birthdays and Planning and Feelings

Wednesday, November 17th, 2010

Happy Birthday SarahSweet, Cousin Rebecca, and Hach Zesse!

To celebrate, I will post a passage from my Planning Theory reading by a professor who writes about planning & feelings:

“Emotions inappropriately contaminate the reasoning process because they attach individuals to others and create loyalties that pull away from rational analysis. Free of emotions, one can observe and judge the world without being affected by people in it. [Rational planning models] share the same premise about feelings: they should (and can) be ignored or suppressed. After conducting a seminar for students about their experiences in planning, one student said that I should not have asked them about their feelings; it made them uncomfortable.”

Crazies

Sunday, October 17th, 2010

Tonight someone in my design studio who never gets stressed got very stressed and had to walk home and I realized it is a lot easier to be less stressed when someone else is stressed because you focus on making them feel better by telling them everything is going to be ok and in so doing somehow convince yourself that everything is going to be ok. Nah mean? Here’s a reenactment.

Student: OMG I CAN’T TAKE THIS

ACSWEET: ME NEITHER!  NO! Wait….Everything is going to be OK!

Student: NO IT’S NOT!

Acsweet: Yes! It will!!

Student leaves. Acsweet feels better.

Lesson Learned: Find other crazies = Feel better.

In other news: I went to the new york city last night and had dinner with Ma Sweet and SarahSweet. Ma Sweet was in the NYC for school and SarahSweet was in the NYC for friendship and ACSweet was in the NYC for feelings and food (story of my life). Ma Sweet is graduating from Feelings University in June and GUESS WHAT? The class unanimously voted her to be the graduation speaker. I KNOW! I could just cry. We’re going shopping for graduation dresses next week.

See photos here.


Everybody loves therapy

Thursday, September 2nd, 2010

Today I went to therapy and then I took the mercedes to (bicycle) therapy and got him a new rack installed on the back so I can put more junk in the trunk if ya know wha mean. Everybody feels great. Then on Sunday I’m taking him in to get a front rack. Does that mean I am turning my Mr. Mercedes into a Miss Mercedes? It’s nice to bring a little SF to the PHI.

Friendships with Therapists and Homeless (my favorites)

Sunday, August 8th, 2010

Well as a matter of fact last night I went to a party where I made new friendships and did not document them. I walked up and down a lot of hills and by the time I got there I was out of breath and it was very crowded and the hostess ran over to me and she ran me around and introduced me to new friendships and then she put me in the kitchen so I could put my beers in the fridge. I found two girls standing up against a wall and I said Hi want to be new friendships? And they said ok. And I said, what do you do? And they said, Oh we’re getting our masters degrees in marriage and family therapy.

!!?! FATE FATE FATE!!

At first they were confused because I started clapping and yelled TELL ME EVERYTHING! and so they did and I was enthralled and other people tried to talk but I said shhhh I’m listening. It was FASCINATING. I spent the rest of the party making new friendships with people who do all sorts of things and it was great and then at the end of the night I was leaving the party and I passed by the two Marriage and Family Therapy girls and they yelled AW are you leaving? And I said Yes I’m so glad we met! And one girl turned to the other and pointed at me and said She is my new best friend.  (srsly this is not a joke)

I’m not going to tell you how long it took to get home. I forget that public transportation does not run all night like it does in the NYC. I walked to the train and a couple of homeless dudes were leaning up against the wall of the entrance and I saw that the gate was down and said Oh MAN and they started laughing at me and said it’s closed! hahahaha and I looked at them very seriously and was like, Well what am I supposed to do now? And then suddenly they became very composed and said, Oh well the train closes at midnight but the buses are still running. You can go catch the 71 down Haight St. right there on the corner.

This place really is friendship city.