Archive for the ‘Yaaaaaaaaayyy’ Category

31derful

Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013

Yesterday was my birthday which means that I am 31 years old which is very anticlimactic and actually I didn’t even bring it up at work because awkward co-worker singing is awkward. Instead I had a birthday party at a trampoline park on Monday night where we did some trampoline jumping and also flips and also dodge ball which is dangerous for couples I do not advise. We weren’t allowed to bring our roast phones onto the trampolines so here is a photo after the trampolining where everyone is still friends.

photo

Then last night Dr. Adam and I went to a fancy restaurant courtesy of Pa Sweet where we ate 6 courses, four desserts, and a several dozen glasses of wine. At first we were trying to be prim and proper because everyone else in the restaurant was old and also riche and we were trying not to wear our “we’re paying with a gift certificate” faces but after 6 glasses of wine we started taking pictures of ourselves and also our meals and then laughing and then asking if we could take the rest of the cheese course back to our dorm in a doggy bag.

Here’s a picture of me holding a glass of wine look at all the drapes in the background, they were also on the ceiling and on the doors it was like a drape fort.

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Here is a picture of my birthday desserts (four) with a birthday card.

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And here is a picture of me eating my birthday card. I look like a Chuckie doll.

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Ma Sweet got me a beautiful bag which I now carry around with me and when I pass other women with beautiful bags I make eye contact and nod because we are in the beautiful bag club. It has so many pockets for snacks and keys and phones and feelings it’s really the perfect thing and also I look like a grown up which is always goal #1.

In other news, SarahSweeter’s gentleman friend, Andrew, passed the Illinois Bar which is code phrase for lawyer exam and guess what he passed! This was a really great birthday present because that means SarahSweeter will be happy and that makes me happy and then Dr. Adam will be happy and it’s really a trickle down effect of happiness.

And now I will conclude with a poem Ma Sweet wrote about my new lady bag, for which she drew inspiration from the renown Ren and Stimpy show. Is that correct grammar? I forgot how hard blogging is.

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Low Pony Anniversary

Tuesday, September 17th, 2013

Here are some fun facts: July 1st was my 2 year anniversary in San Francisco, July 5th was my 2 year anniversary at work, and August 10th was my 2 year anniversary with Dr. Adam. This is big news I’ll tell you why. My head doctor told me it takes a minimum of 2 years until a place starts to feel like home. And at first I didn’t believe him because I had been in other places that felt like home much sooner than that. The difference was that everything in San Francisco was new: the city, my job, my friends, my gentleman friend. So he told me it would take 2 years and in the meantime I should have friends visit and show them my favorite places and also I should leave the city and then come back. Leave and come back, leave and come back, and every time I came back it would be like coming home. So I did. I went to like 15 east coast weddings. And it worked. Like pavlovian conditioning every time we land in San Francisco Dr. Adam says “We’re home!” and my mouth salivates.

The good news is I still live in San Francisco and I still have my job and also I still have Dr. Adam. Sometimes I get confused and when people ask where I’m from I’m like San Newphillicago! I also got a handful of promotions and am on my third set of business cards which is exciting and now senior staff are sending me to meetings with the big guys where I wear my lady business suits and put my hair in a low pony and give firm hand shakes/eye contact which is sign language for success.

In other news: Did you know that Ma Sweet bought a second Sweechigan house? Baller. It’s the one behind the original Sweechigan house so now we have a compound for parties and frisbee and Thanksgiving family hugs.

AlexSweet.com

Wednesday, January 16th, 2013

Do you want to know the bad news of the day decade? I lost AlexSweet.com.  I know. Gone. I thought I had renewed the domain name last year but when I went to check recently it said it was available for sale by HUGEDOMAINS.com for a cool $495.99.

WHAT!?

This happened on a Friday night on my train ride home when I was already a beer and a half deep into my commute and surfing the internet and which is around the time I start to look at pictures of funny cats on the internet. $495.99?! I called my domain host in a panic and was confused when the customer service agent was not also in a panic and instead sounded annoyed that I was calling drunk next to a train horn on a Friday night. I imagined him in a basement surrounded by internet cables counting hundred dollar bills next to an envelope with a return address from HUGEDOMAINS.com. He said, You failed to renew the domain, ma’am and now there is nothing you can do except buy it back. I let out a half gasp/half cry and got off the phone and emailed customer service instead in hopes the customer service email team would have more sympathy for this tragedy, but instead I got an immediate response back that said simply, It’s still me, ma’am. I already told you there’s nothing I can do.

I spent the next two weeks flipping between grief and panic. What if another alexsweet bought alexsweet.com? And then it would be gone forever? Also, is it morally wrong slash financially irresponsible to spend $495.99 on invisible real estate that does nothing except sit there waiting for the day HoBaB hits the big time and goes public? But what if I become famous? What if I don’t become famous but just want to put my feelings on the internet under my real name? Should I abandon AlexSweet.com and just buy AliceWheat.com? Then in December for the Challahdaze, Pa Sweet sent me a little Christmas gift pocket change that made alexsweet.com just a little bit closer to reality. And just think! If I saved enough over the next month I could buy it back and my anxious nights and nightly cries would finally come to an end. Alexsweet.com could be mine, again, to hold quietly and softly to myself.

It was around this time that I asked SarahSweeter to visit me in San Francisco to rub my back and cook me delicious meals and make me feel better. She said she’d love to but as a grad student couldn’t swing it. I tried searching for cheap flights that fit her budget, like a Tuesday mid-day flight to a Thursday morning flight. But there was nothing. And so it was then, after a glass of wine and with Christmas gift pocket change deposited, that I went on the internet, took a deep, drunk breath, and used my new dollars to buy SarahSweeter an airplane ticket to San Francisco. Right? Because having SarahSweeter visit is more important than invisible real estate. And family is what is most important. Dr. Adam was proud of me and said I did the right thing and I smiled with tears in my eyes mostly because being selfless is hard. Then, he went out with his friends to a party and I sat at home and three glasses of wine later I transferred $495.99 dollars from my savings to my checking and bought AlexSweet.com and I didn’t tell anybody until just now.*

The end.

*Except for /jec. I told him on Sunday.

FROGS WIN!

Wednesday, November 28th, 2012

This feels like a movie. Like if a team of engineers who don’t play sports got together to play sports and called themselves something intimidating like The Frogs and didn’t win very often except for when the other team doesn’t show up and we win when they forfeit and we work really moderately hard and make the first round of the playoffs from all the forfeits. And then at the playoffs we have to play down a player on the field because some of our teammates don’t show up and we shrug and say let’s just give it our best shot and our best shot turns out to actually be better than the other team and we win the first round and then play the championship game an hour later against the top ranked team and then we tie and have to shoot penalty kicks for half an hour in the dark after the city turns off the lights at the field until at 10:30pm we score the winning penalty kick and all just clapping and yelling and giving each other awkward engineer work-appropriate high fives and hugs. It’s like that kind of a movie. And then we get a teeny tiny frog trophy.

No bigs, but our company soccer team, the Fehr & Peers Frogs, won the playoff championships. #ribbit

And my inverted skunk hair color striping makes me look like I have a mohawk. Great work Alice.

Driving Tests

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2012

Here’s a fun fact of the day!
Did you know you’re supposed to get your California Driver’s License within 10 days after moving to the state? I learned this while studying for my driver’s license test 7 months after moving to San Francisco. I thought that when I showed up to the DMV and presented my Illinoise license, the woman behind the counter would look at it, look at me, turn to the guard beside her and say, We’ve got another one. And then I would be arrested and put in the San Jose slammer and never ride my bicycle again.

The good news is that they did not ask me when I moved to California which is good because I am not very good at lying and if they asked I would have said, yesterday! while shaking my head and laughing and also sweating. I rode Big Red to the San Jose DMV today at noon and spent most of the time practicing my smiling for my photo instead of my driving facts for the exam which made me nervous when I got the test. But guess what I have a very expensive and important degree in transportation planning and I passed! The guy who graded my test said very unenthusiastically, Ok you passed, and I clapped and said Yaaaaaay!!! when suddenly he turned to throw the test away and I yelled NOOOOO!!! which alarmed him and also the DMV guards, and I said, Sorry I need that for my 4:26pm Show & Tell at work.

Then at 4:26pm I stood up in my cubicle and I said shouted Show and tell time everybody guess what I passed my drivers exam! And then everyone clapped and I was queen for the day.

The end!

iScone

Tuesday, February 7th, 2012

REALLY BIG NEWS I got an iScone. Apparently these things have been around for decades years but now that I live in the San FranNeato I needed an iphone to fit in and guess what I got one and I DO. My first thought was: HOW DO I TAKE A PHOTO OF MY IPHONE WITH MY IPHONE TO PUT ON THE HOBAB? (I yelled this I think to the Verizon employee)

Here are my first three iScone photos.

This first photo is called Schports. It’s what I watched on Sunday.

Schportz!

This next one is a photo with my friend Elizabeth and also my sippy cup here we are in the Hilton she was visting from Connecticut and we are patagonia down sweater twinsies.

E & A

And here is a photo of the iScone having facetime with an iPad. I’m pretty sure the rest of the world went through this phase about 5 years ago but to me all of this is magic. Also, I downloaded Angry Birds.

The iScone and the iDap have facetime

THE END

Ski Onesies I feel great

Sunday, January 8th, 2012

In other news: my gentleman friend and I are supposed to go skiing in a land called Tahoe this weekend. I have never been to Tahoe but a lot of people in SF name drop Tahoe and now I must go because I must fit in. The last time I skiied was in a land called Connecticut with the Fritchwitts. Here are Sweet, Fritchey, and Berkwitt the Switchwitts pre-ski:

The Switchwitts

And here are the Switchwitts apres-ski.

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I only fell once and that was because Connecticut was covered in ice and not snow. The good news is Tahoe is not covered in ice but the bad news is that Tahoe is not covered in snow either. This is bad timing because our Tahoe ski onesies just arrived in the mail from the Ebay yesterday. I asked my gentleman friend if we could have a power couple name like the Fitchwitts and he said: Sciambex? (pronounced: Shawm-bex) Which sounds like exercise apparel or maybe a cleaning fluid. I’ll take it.

Here we are in our skiing onesies. I think my eyes are closed because my onesie reflected the light of the flash and for a moment I was blinded by awesome.

Ski onesies twinsies?

Secret Blogging: Handshakes

Wednesday, August 31st, 2011

Secret Blogging k here are the rules: I wrote this blog post at work quietly as a secret and then emailed it to myself to post later and now it is later. Ok here it is:

My ballroom dancing trainer and I made up a handshake. This is not a joke. It is a lot of steps and took a lot of practice. We practiced at the end of my workout yesterday in front of the treadmill catwalk and nobody applauded so we went to the front desk and asked Reggie to record it on an internet phone so we can put it on the internet and get famous. I watched it back and it gave me mild second-hand embarrassment but I asked my trainer to send it to me anyway because there is a part where we do a foot clap thing which sounds kind of wrong but it’s like a jive dance move and this is good because this means we are practicing for our auditions for the nationally televised hit program “So you think you can dance with your gym trainer.” YES!

In other news, I am making a list of big ticket birthday presents that I would like to buy myself over the next 5 years want to see the list? ok!
1. A new apartment
2. A new bike to ride on long roads in neon spandex situations
3. A new bike to ride on short roads in professional fancy slacks and skirt suits
4. A several ballroom dancing lessons

This are not in order. I think #2 is going to come first then #3 then maybe #1 and #4 will happen at the same time when I win wealthy and well-coordinated husbands. Dream big. What’s that saying? Shoot for the moon and if you miss you’ll fall among the asteroids?

OH SNAP BREAKING NEWS THIS JUST IN!!

my boss: Alice, have a minute?
acsweet: Sure boss.

walks to boss’s office

my boss: how’s everything going? busy this week?
acsweet: fine thanks yes.
my boss: great. we want to make you an offer. want to work here with a pay raise and health insurance?
acsweet: oh snap! yes!
my boss: great we’ll give you the details when the big boss gets back in 2 weeks.

Who needs wealthy and well-coordinated husbands when you are employed with health insurance and can buy houses and personal tap dancing training sessions all by your employed and moneyed self??? winawinawinawinawina

Day 1 I’m employed in California lookathat

Wednesday, July 6th, 2011

Ok I had my first day. Of work. Ok. I got up at 5:40am wtf that was my bed time maybe 2 months ago and then I took the CalTraincycle down to San Jose and I was like Hello and all the 13 people in my office were like Hello! We’ve been expecting you! And they were all blonde and green-eyed and I said, I’m from New Chicadelphia! And then gave me a desk and my very own cubecycle and email address and computer and laptop and next week I’m going to San Luis Obispo to count cars. Then they took me out to lunch where I had a not very delicious chicken sandwich club situation but that’s ok because I also had sweet potato fries and bonus points every other week the office gets a fruit share and on non-fruit share weeks they have healthy snax like granola bars and milk. And then I took the traincycle home with a colleague and we talked and now we’re besties and then I went out to dinner with my roommate Chris and he’s very nice and laid back because he’s from the California and people here are the chillest and I ate two $2 tacos. Tomorrow Peter is going to help me move a piece of expensive furniture I bought from a girl in Pacific Heights because I’m made of money I don’t have yet. I’m going to use Zip Car to rent a truck. Big moves.

So far being employed in California is very great. This weekend I also went to see Low Red Land play their last show. It was happy and sad at the same time. All of the band members went to Hamilton College and one of the band members used to be straight edge which means he didn’t do the drinking or the drugging and last year he said I should start drinking and now he drinks and also has a girlfriend who happened to also go to Hamilton but they didn’t know each other at Hamilton and then one day they met on the internet and went on a date and realized they had like fitty friends in common and now they’re bf and gf and when you say how did you meet? He says Mutual friends, and she says, the internet. Same thing? Here are photos.

Low Red Land

I’m in San Antonio.

Sunday, June 5th, 2011

Here’s my friend Meg. We got tats. More later.

'merica